Want
How our chase for empty happiness makes us unhappy
I’m not satisfied with my kung fu. Even though I’ve been practicing for more than 15 years, it just doesn’t feel like it’s good enough. The stances are too high. The strikes imprecise. The balance off. I’ll fix a few things here and there but there are still hundreds more to go, not to mention all the forms I’ve let slip in the mean time.
However, despite my self measured inadequacy, I would never say I’m unhappy as a kung fu practitioner.
There are many things I wish I was better at. Many things I am currently working on. Many things others do better than me. (Especially my flexibility, it’s downright embarrassing…) Even with those areas of weakness, I still enjoy what I can do, and what I have done. There’s a difference between not having something and the reaction to that lack. The desire for improvement is something I can look forward to and bring me satisfaction as I accomplish it. The realization that though the journey is not over, I’ve come a long way, gives me fulfillment. And in that, I count myself fortunate.
When I look around, everyone seems to be unhappy. Everyone says they don’t have enough money. They can’t afford anything. Everything is too expensive. The more strident voices say that society is collapsing, that we’re at the end of capitalism, that we’ve been exploited too much, and it’s time to storm the Bastille.
Sure, things aren’t perfect. There’s student loan debt, housing affordability, weak social safety net, uncertain career paths, and many other problems affecting the modern American. Inflation has been high lately, and that’s made everyone feel poorer. I count myself among the more well off, but even people in my social circles complain about the prices of things.
However, there are plenty of ways things have improved over my lifetime:
The internet has connected us with our friends and loved ones more easily than ever. When I was dating my now wife, it was hard for us to get together. Communicating with text and stickers helped build our relationship.
Smartphones give us all of humanity’s knowledge at our fingertips. Even when I want reference material for an obscure technology or form from my kung fu style, there’s often something for me to find out there, at any time or place.
There are now infinite ways to pass the time. Streamed sports, movies and music available on any device, vast digital worlds to explore from the comfort of your own home, and thousands of mind challenging board games to choose from.
I’m sure there are people out there that roll their eyes at that list, being too superficial, but there are other measures out there that show progress over time. For example, median real wages have been steady or climbing. That means even after inflation, people are able to buy more things than ever:
Intellectually, Americans are more educated than ever:
There are countless other metrics we could look at that show similar paths. Looking at things broadly, it’s not clear that society is coming to an end as we know it. So what’s with all the anguish? Why is everyone so unhappy?
Want. Wild, out of control, insatiable, Want.
We all see things that we do not have, and let that emptiness turn into unhappiness. We see the nicer car, the bigger house, the flashier TV, the Instagram vacation, the Michelin star meal, and let it gnaw on us, with the unrelenting itch of Envy. Through advertisements, social media, music, TV shows, and movies, we are shown things and bodies we do not have, and we Want them.
American culture has been taken over by the desire for more that we have ceded control of our own minds to Want. We no longer have goals that we desire to accomplish, we have endless Wants we cannot fulfill. Even though we have more than anyone has ever had before, we still Want more. No matter how much more we gain, it’s never enough.
So for myself, I try to reflect on my own desires. Is this something I want, based on my own goals for my life? Or is it something I Want, something the lizard part of my brain thinks I need due to the culture I’m immersed in?
I find myself still in search of things, but things that satisfy my core desires. Progress along my kung fu path. Travel to destinations that resonate with my spirit, not just some influencer on TikTok. A home that is wonderful because I love it, not because society told me I should want it. (I’m looking at you, 2 million dollar tiny single family home built in the 60s.)
With that approach, I’ve been able to largely avoid the deep unhappiness many out there are afflicted by. By being purposeful in desire, I find I have plenty. I find satisfaction in my 8-year-old-but-still-going car, my modest sword collection, my mid range hotel stays, my job at a pretty average startup. I find joy in the occasional meal at the modest local restaurant, working out in the little park by my house, and simple home cooked meals from my wife.
And I find a bit of happiness in my kung fu training, even if I could use a bit more stretching.